(?)human colors
Me.
I think there are intricate details to mundane aspects of the world. Like waiting in line. Do you ever look at the people in front of you in the cue? What about the people behind you? Sometimes there aren't people behind you, sometimes there aren't people in front of you. The conveniency of such a thing relies on a lot of different things, whether its to the convenience of you or the others around you.
I like to watch the poise of others in public. The way they stand and look at others, the way that they look at me. Whenever I need to interact with someone, I watch them beforehand if its possible. I like to see the difference between how they hold themselves before me and during me. I like to think of how they think of me.
The difference has always been noticable. I'm not alike to that many people, obviously people don't treat me like I am one of them. There are a lot of different reasons, but I feel I will never know them all. One of them is my appearence. I'm much bigger than most people, in height and weight, although I don't feel it.
I was small when I was a child. Obviously, we all were, but I was littler than other kids. I was short and thin. I didn't eat much. I don't know how I grew to be so big. I still feel barely 5 feet tall despite being 6 and a half feet.
I have a strange body. When I was born, the doctor who delivered me marked M on my birth certificate because I had a penis, but I also had a vaginal opening. I have ovotesticular syndrome.
For some people who have it, they have one type of genitalia on the outside and one set on the inside-- for example, they could have a vulva and a vagina between their legs but testicular tissue along with their ovarian tissue on the inside. Sometimes its the other way around, on the outside they have a penis but they have ovarian tissue along with their testicular tissue. For me, I have inbetween a penis and a vagina on the outside too.
Growing up, I was a boy for the most part, I was raised to be one but sometimes people couldn't really tell. I had a boys name and dressed like one but I looked pretty androgyneous, I still do. I have visible male and female traits. A little bit of facial hair, kind of full eyebrows, but also slight breasts and soft features. I don't have much hair on my body besides whiskers of a mustache and sideburns, I wish I had more.
I dress more masculinely and have kept my male name, but I don't feel that much of a desire to be either. Most people refer to me as a he or a sir or a mister, and I'm fine with being refered to as a she or a miss. Male and female and gender as a whole never really mattered to me, I've never seen myself as male or female, along with other people. I don't think of my father as a male, I think of my father as my father, as goes with others.
Masculinity and femininity never made sense to me either, I never found fixing trucks to be masculine or sewing to be feminine. Same with clothes, ways of moving or speaking, anything at all. I only consider myself to dress and present masculinely because thats what I've been told.
Obviously, this made growing a little weird for me. I still look quite young and soft depsite having hit puberty earlier than my friends growing up. I grew to be quite tall in about 8th or 9th grade, I was 5'10 or 178 centimeters tall when I was about 13 and I started menstruating a bit after turning 9. My periods have always been incredibly painful, theyre still difficult to manage. Even as an adult, I sweat a lot and get bad acne like a kid. My voice used to crack quite frequently until I was around 20, it still does.
Obviously it affected how I grew as a whole, like the rest of my body. I have strange proportions, a long torso with short arms and legs with small hands and feet.
I feel undeveloped. I feel younger than people my age. It's embarrassing to talk to anyone. I don't even feel like a person when I talk to people older than me. I can't remember the last time I was considered to be one by myself or others, I don't think I ever was one.
I still feel afraid of most people. Anyone can overpower me, anyone can hurt me. Anyone can do anything they want to. I don't think I'd be able to fight back. I freeze when I'm scared or I flip on my back, but thats a habit I'm kind of past. As a kid, when I was startled, I'd jump and fall.